


Episode IX: The Musical - Act I

by Piano_Padawan



Series: Episode IX: The Musical [2]
Category: Fiddler on the Roof - Bock/Harnick/Stein, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Cynical, Humor, Multi, Screenplay/Script Format, Song Parody, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, Very Cynical At Some Points
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22081990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piano_Padawan/pseuds/Piano_Padawan
Summary: A galaxy far, far away presents Episode IX: The Musical, The Untold Fall of the First Order, a heartwarming spectacle in which the next generation of heroes and villains alike will bring tradition, morality, love, loyalty and family relations into question while singing and dancing... a lot. A truly enjoyable performance that will be fun for the whole family!(And of course, by "heartwarming spectacle", I mean cynical crack parody, centered on GingerPilot and Reylo. And by "fun for the whole family", I mean rated T to be safe.)
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Armitage Hux, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Episode IX: The Musical [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1584562
Comments: 14
Kudos: 19





	1. Track 1. Nostalgia

**Author's Note:**

> All copyrighted material here used here is for unofficial parody purposes. I own nothing.
> 
> Track 1. "Nostalgia" is based on "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof.

_Ext. An Unspecified Desert Planet_

_The play opens with a binary sunrise. A CANTINA BAND is balancing on the rounded roof of a space abode closely resembling the Skywalker Ranch. However, this is not the Skywalker Ranch and this is not Tatooine despite the fact that it looks just like it._

_The cantina band begins to play the Star Wars main theme in the style of a rustic fiddle quartet. The stage is dark except for two spotlights, one illuminating the cantina band, the other focused on LUKE SKYWALKER, a young and hopeful Jedi turned old, grey, grumpy Jedi hermit, watches the cantina band. Luke turns to the audience._

**LUKE SKYWALKER**

A cantina band on the roof. Sounds crazy, right? But here in our sequel trilogy, you could say everyone is a cantina band on the roof - trying to make a pleasant little film that’s new while avoiding any risks of changing old tropes and continuing the plotline without breaking the old canon. You may ask, why doesn’t anything ever change in this galaxy? Nothing changes because the Force needs balance, and sometimes balance means letting the next generation fight the same war all over again while you sit and watch from above as a Force ghost, like me. And how do we ensure this balance? That I can tell you in one word: nostalgia!

_All the stage lights are now turned on to reveal the rest of the COMPANY, with the FIRST ORDER and RESISTANCE on opposite sides of the stage, in case it wasn’t clear enough that they’re on opposite sides._

**COMPANY** _(sung)_

Nostalgia! Nostalgia!

Nostalgia!

Nostalgia! Nostalgia!

Nostalgia!

 **LUKE SKYWALKER** _(spoken)_

Because of the nostalgia, fans are inclined to have an emotional response that might be utterly unrelated to the plot. Here in the sequel trilogy, we have nostalgia for everything: how the movie starts with a text crawl, how to blow up a Death Star, how the movie ends... how to stare into binary sunsets. This shows our obvious connection to the original trilogy. You may ask, what purpose do these things serve in furthering the plot of Star Wars or providing character development? I’ll tell you: I don’t know. But it’s nostalgia! And because of our nostalgia, every character knows exactly who they are and what the movie expects them to do.

**LUKE and REY** _(sung)_

Who must grow up in

A dry, lonely desert

Then escape in the

Millennium Falcon.

And who has the right

As hero(ine) of this plot

To use the Force for random stunts?

**ALL JEDI**

The Jedi! The Jedi!

Nostalgia!

The Jedi! The Jedi!

Nostalgia!

**OBI-WAN KENOBI and HAN SOLO**

Who must know the way to all the cantinas?

And be a parental figure?

Who must be killed breaking into the Death Star?

So, the Jedi can cry and look real sad?

The mentor! The mentor!

Nostalgia!

The mentor! The mentor!

Nostalgia!

**ANAKIN SKYWALKER AND KYLO REN**

I used to be with the Jedi

Till I joined the dark side.

But I’m feeling so conflicted.

I hope. I’m redeemed.

The villain! The villain!

Nostalgia!

The villain! The villain!

Nostalgia!

**POE DAMERON AND RESISTANCE PILOTS**

And who adds explosions?

And jokes and action scenes?

With lots of broken Death Stars

That self-destruct with ease?

The rebels! The rebels!

Nostalgia!

 **COMPANY** _(repeated as a round)_

The Jedi!

The Mentor!

The Villain!

The Rebels!

Nostalgia!

 **LUKE SKYWALKER** _(spoken)_

Here in our little sequel trilogy. We’ve always had our special nostalgic props. For instance, Anakin’s Lightsaber.

**REY**

Wait. I thought this was your lightsaber!

**LUKE**

Nah. Mine is green and prettier.

**REY**

Then what’s the significance of this!

**LUKE**

It is a very important Skywalker heirloom. It was Anakin Skywalker’s prized possession.

**ANAKIN**

Just don’t throw it out a window and forget about it like I did. That would be too nostalgic.

**LUKE**

Equally nostalgic: Han’s blue pants.

**FINN**

Hey, Han! Check out my pants! They’re just like yours!

**HAN**

I could have sworn I wore another pair of pants at some point in the original trilogy.

**LEIA ORGANA**

You haven’t changed your clothes in 35 years, Han.

**HAN**

Wow. That’s some intense nostalgia.

**LUKE**

And most nostalgically... our beloved binary sunset.

**REY**

Master Skywalker, isn’t it bad to stare directly into two suns like this?

**LUKE**

Yes, but Jedi don’t need our eyes.

**REY**

Hmm... looking at this binary sunset really makes me want to go back to Tatooine.

**LUKE**

Um... the whole point of the original scene was to show how I wanted to get far away from Tatooine but okay.

_The Company breaks into a dance sequence here because this musical has reached the maximum amount of tolerable dialogue within a song without singing or dancing._

**LUKE** _(spoken)_

There are others in our sequel trilogy, those characters who don’t fit a mold from the original trilogy. They represent a much broader fan base. So far, we don’t give them a lot of screen time and therefore, they don’t bother us. But among our nostalgic cast of characters, we’ve always been able to please the fans perfectly. Of course, there’s always that one guy who can’t decide on the dark side or light side, and sometimes the fans argue about whether he should be redeemed or not.

_(To Kylo)_

You die at the end of this musical.

**KYLO REN**

I what?!

**GENERAL HUX**

Well, what did you expect? You are on the dark side after all!

**REY**

Wrong! He’s coming to the light side with me!

**KYLO REN**

I consider myself kind of grey.

**ANAKIN SKYWALKER**

We have grey now?! That was an option?! No one told me that was a thing!

**KYLO REN**

Why can’t I be in-between!

**RESISTANCE and FIRST ORDER**

You need to choose!

**KYLO REN**

But I’m indecisive!

 **EMPEROR PALPATINE** _(from offstage)_

Good, good! I can feel your conflict and anger!

_The following lines are chanted back and forth as the music rises and transitions back into the refrain._

**FIRST ORDER**

Dark!

**RESISTANCE**

Light!

**FIRST ORDER**

Dark!

**RESISTANCE**

Light!

**FIRST ORDER**

Dark!

**RESISTANCE**

Light!

**COMPANY**

Nostalgia! Nostalgia!

Nostalgia!

Nostalgia! Nostalgia!

Nostalgia!

_Everyone except for Luke and the Cantina Band exits the stage. Luke turns back to the audience._

**LUKE** _(sung)_

Nostalgia! Nostalgia! Without it our plotline would be as shaky as a Cantina Band on the roof!


	2. Track 2. Grandpa, What Have I Done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 2. "Grandpa, What Have I Done?" is based on "What Have I Done?" from Les Misérables.

_The sound of explosions, X-Wing cannons and TIE Fighter engines rocks the stage. Luke watches from above, drinking a glass of green milk._

**LUKE**

It’s too bad really, how everything’s gone back to the way it was during the Galactic Civil War. I’m sure you have many questions. Sadly, most of them will not be answered. There’s only so much plot we can convey without breaking the rhyme scheme, rhythm and time constraints of what is already the longest Star Wars musical to date…

_The buzz of a lightsaber igniting echoes offstage, followed by screams. The stage lights flicker momentarily to an eerie red._

**LUKE** _(cont.)_

That’s my nephew. Kylo Ren, perhaps the character with the most speculation around him in this entire production. He is a Skywalker after all, and you know all the drama that comes with being a Skywalker…

_A man bellows in the agony of moral conflict offstage. Luke beckons to the audience to listen closely._

**LUKE** _(cont.)_

I’ve got to say… I do feel sorry for the kid. I know he’s got a lot of Vader in him, but so did I. And I guess looking back, I could have handled our relationship a little better. I realize that wanting to change the past is not very nostalgic, but there are some things I regret. Especially… this one little thing… a little misunderstanding…

_The stage lights flicker like a thunderstorm, followed by a blackout. The music rises. A green lightsaber ignites on stage, followed by a blue lightsaber._

**LUKE** _(shouting)_

Ben! No! We can work this out! Let me just explain! It’s not what it looks like! It’s… it’s a magic trick! You see, I have these cards and my lightsaber and…

_A thunderclap followed by a loud crash. The lights brighten slowly, an orange-gold hue like flickering flames._

_BEN SOLO is standing center stage, surrounded by piles of rubble, visibly shaken. He looks around and finds that he is alone. The music builds once more as Ben digs through one of the piles and pulls out Darth Vader’s helmet._

**BEN SOLO** _(sung)_

What have I done?

Grandfather, what have I done?

Buried Luke under a hut

And then committed arson?

Is my uncle alive underneath that burning wood?

Is it possible I misunderstood?

And my Uncle Luke didn’t want me dead?

But then why was he looming like that by my bed?

I'm sick of all these Jedi creeps

Trying to lightsaber me in my sleep.

My bloodline is torn between the light and dark.

And it's clearly time that I disembark

From the path of the phony Jedis

With their disgusting green milk and lies.

_The music softens. Ben regards his grandfather’s mask with pensive adoration._

**BEN SOLO** _(cont.)_

I wonder what did Grandpa think

When my namesake cut off his legs?

I bet he felt quite disenchanted,

Burning in lava,

His limbs dismembered.

**OBI-WAN KENOBI** _(spoken, offstage)_

I have the high ground!

**ANAKIN SKYWALKER** _(spoken, shouting offstage)_

I hate you!

**BEN SOLO** _(sung)_

And so, he switched to the dark side,

And got a mask,

With which to hide his inner turmoil.

It makes sense to me, if you ask.

I'll embrace my conflict

All this anger inside!

I'll get an edgy helmet

Under which I can hide!

_(sung lovingly to Darth Vader’s helmet)_

Grandpa, I know we’ve never met

But I think I’ll take your helmet.

I’ll talk with it about emotions

Like a diary but sorta gruesome.

I'll call my squad "the Knights of Ren",

My righthand men.

What does "Ren" mean, well don't ask me.

Now I'll leave Luke's academy.

_Ben Solo gazes out into the audience. The KNIGHTS OF REN enter the scene behind him. Who are they? Where did they come from? What purpose do they serve here? No one knows, but such questions are irrelevant to this song._

**BEN SOLO** _(sung)_

I am feeling torn apart

As the darkness settles in.

And I talk to Grandpa's head,

My anger burning within.

I'll need a new dark-side name

Something cool like “Kylo Ren”.

Ben Solo is nothing now!

Kylo Ren’s story must begin!


	3. Track 3. Now that Leader Snoke's Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 3. "Now that Leader Snoke's Dead" is based on “At the End of the Day” from Les Misérables.

**Int. _The Steadfast_ – a First Order Star Destroyer, 8 years later.**

_Dramatic violin introduction. The floor of the Bridge is littered with broken Stormtrooper helmets, shattered wine bottles and a notably Kylo-Ren shaped hole in the wall which also bears many lightsaber marks. A torn propaganda poster displaying an image of Kylo Ren holding out his hands with the words “When the First Order offers you it’s hand, you’ll take it!!!” written below it in Comic Sans is hanging on one of the pillars. The tech pit has been reduced to shards of what was once state-of-the-art equipment. The FIRST ORDER TECHNICIANS along with the FIRST ORDER OFFICERS and STORMTROOPERS are in an equally pathetic state, with disheveled uniforms, cracked armor and a thick layer of visible misery._

**FIRST ORDER ENSEMBLE** _(sung)_

Now that Leader Snoke's dead, the First Order's in ruins.

And that's after one year with Supreme Leader Ren.

We should be winning this war!

The Resistance had only twelve fighters.

But for some unknown reason we still can't win.

That’s thanks to the screenwriters.

**FIRST ORDER OFFICERS**

Now that Leader Snoke's dead, the High Command's in shambles.

Ren doesn't understand any martial strategy.

He keeps shooting at Luke's ghost

Saying the ghost isn't dead enough.

**LIEUTENANT MITAKA**

And if I tell him to stop, he Force chokes me.

**FIRST ORDER OFFICERS**

Life here’s gotten pretty tough.

_The sound of swinging lightsabers can be heard offstage. The crew acknowledges the sound with a brief nod before going on with their daily tasks._

**FIRST ORDER ENSEMBLE**

Now that Leader Snoke's dead, we're all starting to miss him

Though he was a creepy old man in a gold robe.

The troopers are all confused

With Ren and Hux's conflicting orders.

Our ammunition's misused,

And the Knights of Ren are a real bother.

Everyone's stressed and afraid

Now that Leader Snoke's dead.

**STORMTROOPER 1**

Now that Leader Snoke's dead, I don't know what we're doing.

It doesn't seem like Ren has a real goal in mind.

**STORMTROOPER 2**

The Resistance has no hope.

Why are we always one step behind?

**STORMTROOPER 3**

But Ren doesn't take criticism.

**STORMTROOPER 2**

He's not that kind.

**STORMTROOPERS**

It's best to just avoid him.

**FIRST ORDER TECHNICIAN 1**

Have you noticed the Bridge is so quiet today?

Except for Hux’s distant sobs out in the hall.

It’s because the Supreme Leader won’t raise his pay

Word is Hux lost the promotion to Grand Marshal.

**FIRST ORDER TECHNICIAN 2**

And they say Ren invited

General Pryde to command the fleet.

And now Hux feels overlooked

And embittered

From this latest defeat.

_ARMITAGE HUX enters during the next verse. A First Order Mailtrooper, a new kind of Stormtrooper that delivers mail, enters after him and gives him a package before leaving. The Mailtrooper may not have much screentime, but he is pivotal to this story and destined to be everyone’s favorite character in this musical._

**FIRST ORDER ENSEMBLE**

Our old Leader Snoke’s dead. Now, there’s all of this drama.

With Supreme Leader Ren throwing fits like a child.

Track the Rebels. They survive.

Where did they get a fleet? No one’s sure.

Meanwhile, we’re barely alive,

And our High Command’s so immature,

And our budget’s in the red!

Now that Leader Snoke’s dead.

_KYLO REN and his KNIGHTS OF REN enter the Bridge. The crew immediately tenses. One of the Knights (who might have a name but his name doesn’t matter) snatches Armitage’s package, passing it down the line of Knights to Kylo Ren._

**KYLO REN**

And what have we here, little sneaky general?

Is it hair gel or bitter tarine?

Bet you thought that you could plot against me

With this devious new…

_(He peeks inside the envelope)_

Rebel magazine?

_Armitage yanks the envelope out of Ren’s arms, flustered._

**ARMITAGE HUX**

Give me back my mail, Ren.

Besides, you’re not fit to judge

With that scavenger girl

You keep trying to contact.

It’s just a few holopics.

For my research, that’s all.

So, please stop being a dick,

And don’t overreact.

_Kylo refuses to give back the package. Armitage lunges at him. The two end up rolling on the ground tearing at each other’s hair and screaming._

**FIRST ORDER TECHNICIAN 1** _(spoken)_

Hey, everyone! They’re at it again!

**FIRST ORDER TECHNICIANS, KNIGHTS OF REN, STORMTROOPERS** _(chanting)_

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

_Kylo Ren lifts Armitage off the ground. Armitage grabs Kylo’s hair. Both of them are still screaming. This is a typical day in the First Order. The techs and troopers continue cheering while the more senior officers look on sadly, pouring themselves another glass of wine._

_ALLEGIANT GENERAL PRYDE enters this scene. Unaccustomed to this behavior, he is horrified, though he doesn’t express it with anything besides a slightly more accentuated scowl._

**GENERAL PRYDE** _(sung)_

What is this squabble all about?

Supreme Leader, please put Hux down.

This is a navy, not Mos Eisley.

_Kylo unceremoniously drops Armitage, who quickly gets back on his feet and draws his monomolecular blade._

**PRYDE** _(cont.)_

Now, come on, stop this silly brawl.

We stand for order, not chaos.

This isn’t orderly at all.

So, now, Armitage drop the knife,

And let us try to sort this out

And act like civilized adults.

_Armitage reluctantly drops the first knife, only to pull another from his sleeve and point it accusingly at Ren._

**ARMITAGE**

Our Supreme Leader’s dead

And it’s Ren who began it!

**KYLO REN**

That’s a lie. You, shut up, Hux,

You dumb rabid cur!

See, Pryde, this is why you’re here…

**ARMITAGE**

Don’t listen to him! He’s clearly crazy!

**KYLO REN**

You’d be a better Grand Marshal

That is for sure.

Just look at what he’s reading!

_Kylo snatches ARmitage’s envelope again, pulling out the magazine for the Bridge to see. The magazine features several dashing pictures of Poe Dameron with the words “Smoking Hot Proton Torpedoes” in large, gaudy letters. Of course, Poe isn’t wearing gloves, and therefore the entire crew is scandalized. The risqué nature of such pictures is even enough to change Pryde’s facial expression to one of mild surprise. Everyone stares at Armitage._

**ARMITAGE**

Yes, it’s true that I purchased

This holosubscription.

For this magazine with pilots flying X-Wings.

I’m examining Rebel Scum propaganda.

Just to counteract it.

How is that a bad thing?!

_He attempts to take back the magazine but Ren resists. The two begin fighting again, with General Pryde struggling to keep them apart, while the rest of the crew sings the refrain._

**FIRST ORDER OFFICERS and TECHNICIANS**

Now that Leader Snoke’s dead,

The youth here have no standards,

Looking at Rebel Scum

With romantic intent!

While we’re trying to do our work,

Leader Ren’s choking Hux. It’s distracting!

They keep fighting all night long

I guess sleep is something they’re rejecting!

All hopes of joy have been slayed

Now that Leader Snoke’s dead!

_Pryde succeeds in breaking up the fight just long enough for the song to continue._

**PRYDE**

I was warned that things were awry.

I was warned that we were in debt.

Yet I still underestimated

The tragic state of our Command.

There is so much to reprimand.

I do not know where to begin

Fixing the disorder herein.

I’ll do my best as general,

Seeing that Hux clearly failed this role.

**KYLO REN**

He’s a dumb rabid cur!

He started it I swear!

**ARMITAGE**

Sir, you can’t just believe him!

This is so unfair!

**FIRST ORDER OFFICERS, TECHNICIANS and** **STORMTROOPERS**

With them in charge, we’re dead!

The Order is dead!

**PRYDE** _(spoken)_

That’s enough! Everyone back to work! 

_The song ends. The crew returns to their work and wine. Armitage takes the chance to seize back his magazine. Kylo throws his lightsaber at the wall, creating a large gash, before storming off with his Knights._

**PRYDE** _(to Armitage)_

Hux, a word with you.

**FIRST ORDER TECHNICIAN 1**

Oooh! He’s in trouble!

**PRYDE**

Quiet! What are you, five years old?!

**FIRST ORDER TECNICIAN 1**

I’m 25. That’s a multiple of 5. Close enough!

**PRYDE** _(muttering to himself)_

Young people these days…


End file.
